What we did on our Holy days

Baby jumper

2011-05-31T17:59:00.002Z

I'm really loving the 'top down' yoke method of making jumpers. This one is a tiny newborn baby top that I have made for my sister's baby who is due any day now. I wasn't really following a pattern but used a similar pattern as a guideline. Most of this I made up from my head. I really hope it fits!

I love this wool and I have been dying to make something from it from the first time I gave it a furtive squeese in Miju wools. It's quite expensive at nearly £5 for 50g and I've used 100g in this top plus a little bit of something else for the edging. It's 80% bamboo, 20 % wool which makes it slippery soft and a joy to handle. I love the colour changes too.

Things I like about this top: I started out doing something different but when I realized it wasn't going to work I ripped the whole thing back to the starting chain. This is difficult to do as I used to feel every stitch was precious and must be saved for posterity. It's quite liberating to not care so much about the work put in but that the finished object be the best I can make (not perfect, don't get me wrong!).

I also love the crab stitch on the edging, I have finally got he hang of the reverse crochet!

Now I just need to remember to send it to her before he's born.

Quick mum, I need a costume!

2011-04-18T20:52:00.001Z

My son informed me that he needed an outfit for World Book Day the night before...typical. I made this very quick Garfield hat for him to go with an orange t-shirt.

Quick raglan jumper

2011-03-18T20:20:00.002Z

I'm not sure what 'raglan' means but I nicked a knitting pattern that my friend used for her jumper and converted it into crochet. I have whipped up this jumper in an evening for Solomon using being-a-good-mum as a cover for trying-out-a-new-idea-in-a-little-size-before-doing-one-for-myself. Works quite well!

Paid for crochet!!!!

2011-03-17T07:23:00.002Z

I received a commission to make 10 boobies in 5 days.....cue 'mission impossible' music! There was a flurry of hooks and yarn and I managed to fit enough hook-time in around looking after the children and doing the bare minimum of my job... hooray!

Just in case you are wondering....these lovely boobies will go to help women teach new mums how to breastfeed their babies. We don't want to be touching their (or our) own boobs so we use soft crazy coloured boobies. We also teach hand expressing of milk and a prop is essential for that.

purple doggy

2011-02-27T23:59:00.000Z

pretty....thing?

2011-02-24T22:08:00.001Z

I've made this for the next yarn bomb. There is some knitting on it...I thought I'd see if I liked it again...I don't!

It's a square flower thing. Nice!

Knitting over...phew...I can go back to crochet now!

2011-02-22T20:59:00.002Z

Finished!!!

Knitting...yes it's true!

2011-02-22T18:11:00.003Z

I have completed a pink stripe for my 'taking forever' afghan. I really have to put this aside for a while as we have another yarn bomb planned This is going to be a crazy blanket when it's finished.

So....I went into town and the nice ladies at my LYS have been living it up at the NEC this weekend where there was a yarn show - GASP!!! SEQUEL!!!

They have brought back a few skeins of this stuff: Tango by woolcraft. It's got a line of holes at the top that you use as a normal yarn and then a lovely dangle ruffle comes down from it. They had a scarf made up and it sold the yarn to me. The other thing that made it irresistible was the colour combo of green and purple; the colours of the Breastfeeding Network. I bought myself some bamboo needles and set to work. This has been the first bit of knitting I have done for a while but with only 8 stitches a row I think I can cope.

Another crochet creature with an identity crisis

2011-02-20T09:42:00.002Z

These two creatures are the same pattern but called 'cute bunny'. I started off making the 'bunny' with some pink cotton yarn but when I got to adding the ears I realised that it was never going to look like a rabbit and it was resembling a little piglet. So I made it a little curly tail and gave him an acorn to hold. I followed the same pattern again to make the rabbit but altered the ears, making them longer. Much better! And if there was any doubt about the bunny I gave him a little carrot button. I loved the buttons on both of these Ami's. I think this was the start of seriously thinking about embellishments as the sign of a well thought-out piece.

Both of animals now have new homes as they were given to some of the children's cousins at Christmas.

Yarny goodness all gone

2011-02-16T19:55:00.001Z

All our yarn bomb things have gone now. It only lasted 3 days. Never mind!

A valentine's gift

2011-02-15T15:48:00.002Z

Osiris has got a girlfriend at the grand old age of 7! He wanted to give her something homemade so he commissioned this bag for her. She liked it a lot and held his hand in circle time.....awwwwww.....

Yarn bomb!

2011-02-13T19:26:00.002Z

Yarn Ninjas

Allotment sadness

2011-02-12T20:17:00.003Z

Today I went up to my allotment for the first time this year. I nearly cried! It's so overgrown and covered with weeds that you would never guess that I have been working on this for two years.

So I made a plan to only do a little bit of it really well this year. I am also only going to grow a few things, things I really like eating! So no turnips or chard this year, only squash, sweetcorn, peas, beans, a few cabbages and onions.

However what cheered me up was meeting these two unsavory characters on the way home. I suspect that the fishes attached to their heads are brain suckers and are altering their thoughts to think nerfeaous things.

Perfect purple

2011-02-08T23:18:00.004Z

I've been carrying this purple strip of Tunisian crochet around with me, it's quite a portable project. People like it but have been assuming it's a scarf; it's not, it's the second strip of my blanket and don't you think it looks much better being part of a blanket?

Quack....or cluck?

2011-02-07T19:43:00.001Z

I made this little thing for a Christmas present but it seems to have a split personality so it stayed with me.

Is it a duck or a chick????

It's cute though!

another lost cat

2011-02-06T01:32:00.003Z

it was time for shamouse to leave us. I loved him much. He meowed and demanded cuddles. Even up to yesterday he was crawling onto our laps for a cuddle. He died in Rob's arms:not a bad way to go, covered in love and told it was ok to go now.

pass on in peace little one, thank you for all those years.

The humble granny

2011-02-03T20:26:00.002Z

Despite it's boring reputation, there is something I really like about the granny square. I think it can be a perfect blanket pattern. This is an afghan I made for Polly last summer. Some of the wool is textured and fluffy.

Perhaps I don't love it as much as this lady: http://fuckyeahgrannysquare.tumblr.com/

valentine's day must be bombed

2011-01-30T21:41:00.007Z

Bow, as you may know, I'm not the biggest fan of Valentine's day and my partner and I don't celebrate it. However my very dear friend has suggested we do something to celebrate it involving crochet so I have been busy making the kind of icky things I least like to see on feb 14th. That's how much I like her!

So....above is a selection of hearts and below is my finished cupid which I am rather pleased with.

A little 3d heart

my first go at fillet crochet.

Just hooked this up in no time

2011-01-28T19:22:00.004Z

I did this little headband in about 20 minutes. Now that's what I call a quick project! It's really all about showcasing this really beautiful sari yarn. It's really thick, i used an 8 mm hook but really could have used bigger. I just did a few rows of single crochet and then added some ties that were just a simple decrease in some scrap yarn.

Now the question is: do I go out in public wearing this? Will I be crossing over the border into being one of those crazy people covered in their own creations - usually freeform?

almost finished

2011-01-28T14:29:00.004Z

Cute little cupid just needs a bow and arrow now.

I've also managed to finish my first strip of a blanket. This has taken me 6 months to do so I'm not expecting the blanket to be finished this decade.

It's done in Tunisian crochet with a border of long dc stitches.

making progress

2011-01-25T19:20:00.003Z

my little cupid has all his limbs, some dodgy wings a nappy and half his hair. I'm quite pleased about the limbs, I like the way he looks like he is flying. I think it's going to be hard to free form a bow and arrow but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Bit worried that putting a face on him will ruin it too. That's the problem with free form, unless you just have to let go and let your hook think for you.

Below are a couple of finished objects. The star is called Twink, named by my son. He needed a star for a summer club he was going to so I crocheted this one up in an evening. The fish is a pattern (slightly modified) from an ami book I am working my way through. This was for my friends son who calls it Bish.

Cupid

2011-01-25T09:19:00.003Z

I've had an idea. I'm going to make a little cupid for valentines day. This is how he's starting out, obviously a lot of work to go yet.

Mario Blanket

2011-01-18T16:24:00.003Z

I made this blanket in the summer last year fro Osiris. It was a labour of love I can tell you! I got the pattern from Sprite Stitch from someone who used it for a cross stitch pattern. I broke it up into squares of 20 x 20 pixels and crocheted each square using a 5mm hook and a Tunisian stitch. It took me a little while to work how to change colours and really I should have invested in a Tunisian crochet hook.

Things I have learnt from making this blanket:

Buy a long hook

Maybe do long strips instead of squares

That people are impressed easily because I can really see all the flaws in this but people have been very nice.

2011-01-07T14:09:00.007Z

Pea Shooter Amigurumi

Pattern by Erika Devine

Yarn: DK very dark green

Dark green

Light green

Hook: 3.5 mm or your favourite hook and yarn ;)

US stitch names

Made in spirals with no joining at the end of rounds. Use a stitch marker.

Number in brackets () denotes number of stitches at the end of round

In = increase,

Dc = decrease

Head

With very dark green mak

e adjustable ring

Round 1: 6 sc

R2: in (12)

R3: in, sc (18)

R4: in, 2sc (24)

R5: in, 3sc (30)

R6: sc (30)

R7: change to light green, sc (30)

R8-9: sc (30)

R10: in, 4sc (36)

R11: in, 5sc (42)

R12: dc, 5sc (36)

R13: dc, 4sc (30)

R14: 3sc (24)

R15: 2sc (18)

R16: sc (18

R17: in, 5sc (21)

R18: in, 6sc (24)

R19: in, 7sc (27)

R20: in, 8sc (30)

R21: in, 9sc (33)

R22: in, 10sc (36)

R23: in, 17sc (38)

R24: in, 18sc (40)

R25: in, 19sc (42)

R26 – 31: sc (42)

R32: dc, 5s

c (36)

R33: dc, 4sc (30)

R34: dc, 3sc (24)

R35: dc, 2sc (12)

Place eyes between rounds 21 and 22, 7 posts apart.

Fold end with very dark green end

into itself and keep in place by sewing with light green yarn.

Stuff and sew up end.

Small leaf

With dark geen chain 8

Sl st in 2^nd chain from hook, sc, hdc, dc, hdc, sc, sl st, sl st into other side of starting chain, sc, hdc, dc, hdc, sc, sl st.

Fasten off leaveing long tail for sewing.

Sew onto back of head.

Large Leaf (make 4)

With dark green chain 12

Row 1: dc in 2^nd chain from hook, 9dc, 5dc in last chain, work up the other side of starting chain, 8dc leaving the last 2 chains unworked, turn

R2-6: work in back loops only from now on. Ch 1, 10 dc, 5 dc in next stitch, 10 dc, turn

R7: ch 1, 10 dc, sl st into next dc, chain 3, dc into 2^nd chain from hook, sl st into next ch and following up the centre of the leaf giving a sl st ‘vein’ up the middle to the end.

Pea (make as many as you like)

With light green make an adjustable ring

Round 1: 6sc (6)

Round 2: in (12)

R3: in, 1sc (18)

R4-5: sc (18)

R6:dc, 1sc (12)

R7: dc (6)

Fasten off, stuff and sew up

Stem

With dark green make an adjustable ring

Round 1: 6sc

R2: in, 1sc (12)

R3-17: sc

R18: in, 2sc (18)

R19-20: sc

Fasten off, leave a tail for sewing. Stuff and sew to body. Sew Large Leaves to base.

Final pea shooter

2011-01-05T18:57:00.002Z

Do you like? I even got it to stand up!

I'm currently working on getting the pattern written up,

New Year - New reason to use this blog

2011-01-04T15:35:00.005Z

Ok, so I haven't posted for a very very long time. I think it was because I felt this blog was becoming too personal. I should imagine there are not many people out there reading this now, I think that's what I want - new start for my blog but with the old stuff still accessible.

So....the NEW REASON to blog is this......CROCHET!!!!!!!

Yes. I love crochet so much and there is so much going on in my crochet mind that I need to give it form.

I want to share with you my new pattern project and when I have perfected the pattern I will publish it on here and use this blog to link into Ravelry.

SO....plants vs zombies pea shooter mark 1:

I was quite pleased with this one but the stem seemed wrong and I really wanted it to stand up by itself. Here is pea shooter mark 2:

As you can see it's standing up but the base is too fat. So the question is....thin stalk that is more realistic or fat stalk that stands up? Hmmmmm. I'm working on mark 3. I've got all the elements sorted but the stalk.

Tumness died

2009-04-11T08:22:00.002Z

He was fine for ages and then last week he just stopped moving. He wasn't in pain, just not moving. I brought him water and food until he stated to refuse food. I stroked his head and told him how much I loved him. We sat in front of the fire on his last night and gave him water and wrapped him in his favourite blanket. He died in the morning about 11.30. Both of the children saw him die. He just meowed and then stopped breathing.
We wrapped him up in a cloth. I placed a necklace around his neck so that if his bones were found in the future people would know he was not just any cat but one who was loved. We placed him in a box. The children made good-bye cards to place in the box alongside all the flowers we could collect from the garden. We sealed the box and covered it with stars and moons. I wrote his name and dates and 'My heart has joined the thousand for my friend stopped running today
Solomon and I took him up to the top of May Hill and he sat with my mum whilst I dug a hole. We buried Tumness in a place where the bracken grows and the wind howls; it was where he was born.
I walked away from him and came back to a home without him. We have our one cat one - Shamouse - who has been eating Sheba non-stop since.
I miss him. He was my friend for eleven years. I keep seeing his shadow outside of the door, waiting to be let in but I am surprised how little we are haunted by him; only his memory. It was time for him to go.
Goodbye Tumness.

Proud mum moment

2008-10-26T20:32:00.002Z

Ok...I'm proud of him!
Osiris is 'Gifted and Talented' in maths.
For those of you who don't know what that is; it's a category of children who are at the very top end of their age group and who have special help and attention because of it.
You always think your child is clever but it's nice to have it confirmed by the school.
~beam~

Not well

2008-10-24T17:53:00.004Z

I've hauled my carcass out of the bed to down some Lemsip (It's so foul - it's piss smell backwards) and check my blog and facebook. I've got the flu. UGH! The worst is over now but there was a point where I was lying in bed with a really high temperature and hallucinating that I was giving birth to a baby I didn't know I was pregnant with!
I caught it off many people who I have been in contact with - all mums who have HAD to keep going because there is nobody to look after the kids if they didn't. I still had to do some kid stuff but I complained and moaned and was generally unwell at Rob until I got to have 12 hours in bed (Solomon's, then mine, then his again, then mine, then Osiris'....it goes on, not one place for more than an hour...) and broke the fever or at least dulled it down with drugs.
Mr. Tumness is still with us. He's not too bad, not unhappy. I have made a decision that when he looks like he's in pain we will call a vet out to do a home visit rather than put him through the trauma of going back into the cat cage of badness. I love that cat and I want him to go without pain and purring in my arms....sniff....
Samhian is just next week and we are having a party to warm our new house. If you are reading this and you have not received an invite and you would like one just comment that you'd like to come and I'll send you the details. I really love this time of year but this time I have a new reason to be excited; it's only a few months until the next growing season and I'm really excited about the new types of squash I have bought for next year.
It's what it's all about isn't it...birth, growth, fruits and decay...
Happy Samhian!

Everybody loves boobies!

2008-10-16T09:28:00.003Z

Very sad news

2008-10-13T21:23:00.002Z

This is Mr. Tumness. He is my very lovely cat who I have had for 11 years. Today we went to vet with him and discovered that he has not got very long to live. He has an irregular heartbeat and his tummy has swollen up with fluid. The vet said he has about a month to live.
We had the option of taking him to an animal hospital to have to it investigated further but it would involve a whole day of tests and giving him a general anesthetic. His heart is so week that he probably wouldn't get through it and he was so scared just going to the vets that he weed all over the cat carrier. I just don't think I could put him though that for what could be only a few months more of life.
I'm feeling very sad and I'm wondering if I have made the right choice.
I am going to make his last bit of life really nice. He's going to have tuna and cuddles and love...as much as I can give him. Then I know I will have done the best for him.
I can feel I am going to cry a lot of tears for the next few weeks.
Neil Gaimen said "When you fall in love with a kitten, one day you will bury an old cat"

A ban on free drinks to women

2008-10-12T08:24:00.002Z

When I first saw this headline I was a little confused. Did it mean that bars were giving free drinks to their women customers and not to their male ones or did it mean they were not allowed to give free drinks to women but they were to men?
It's the former.
This came on the same week that a friend of mine showed me a postcard of a young girl about to be assaulted by a young man which said "Do you know where your children are tonight?". It was warning parents about letting their daughters out presumably because if they did go out they would be plied with free drinks by a bar which then pimped her unconscious body.
One of my first reactions to the 'free drinks for women' thing was to say "Where is this place? Let me go there and get really drunk for free and it would be funny because I'm not young or pretty or likely to let some man fondle in my pants."
The second reaction was a feeling that a 'Free drinks for women' does have very sinister overtones. It sounds like the bars, the drunk men and the courts are all in this together. Drunk women are ok to rape because it is their fault they are drunk. Come to our bar where there are lots of drunk women you can rape...or at least persuade into bed...
Third thought....All people are individuals who can take care or themselves, or not, who will rape, or not, who will drink to much whether it's free, or not and should it be down to government legislation to ban free drinks to anyone? Also....if they are concerned about women's safty then the whole 'Men - don't rape women' campian is long overdue.
In this article it also says

The government intervention represents a belated acknowledgment that hopes that Britain would adopt a civilised “cafe culture” with the introduction of 24-hour drinking have failed.

which is laughable because unless you give the British people the same work hours and pay as people who have the 'cafe culture' then at the weekend tired underpayed unervaluesd pissed off people who have been working at a job they hate all week will go and get shit faced at the weekend.
Anyway the bill has not gone through yet so if anyone who knows where I can get a free drink just because there is a possibilty that I might get my tits out please let me know where it is!
(Getting my tits out is something I do quite a lot as I'm breastfeeding...)

I'm in!

2008-10-02T10:58:00.002Z

Yes...Greetings from my new house! We spent our first night here last night and the kids thought it was great fun. Osiris was a bit worried about missing his old house but he said that he felt at home. I agree. It seems that we were meant to be here.
It's a bit of a weird house; idiosyncratic, like the residents!
We are right by a stream that flooded last year but apparently the council dump sand bags at the top of the road when it rains.
We are two houses down from the railway line that runs parallel to our garden, it's a bit loud but already I hardly notice it and I still haven't got rid of the urge to run into the garden and wave at the train. Osiris loves waving at the train. He said "One day there will be a sad man sitting on the train and looking out of the window and he will look down and see a happy little boy waving to him and it will make him happy"
My son; full of love for the whole world!
We still have four days of packing and moving and cleaning to do. The cats are not in yet and that makes me feel very sad. I think I should go and get them today...
Anyway...
I'm IN!!!!

I'll be back soon

2008-09-26T18:54:00.001Z

I'm taking a bit of a blogging break for a while to move house. We are having to push all our belongings down the road on a trolley. But It's ok...really it will all...be...ok....
Thanks to anyone out there who has wished me well or to anybody who has put up with me freaking out and to anyone who is going to help me move...thanks
xxxxxx

It worked!

2008-09-23T17:40:00.001Z

We move next Monday!
Thank you.

I need your energy

2008-09-21T20:41:00.002Z

Touch the screen. Picture me in this house.
Say "This WILL be Erika's new home...and it will NEVER flood whilst she is there"
Think about the turn of the world.
Think about how I really NEED this place.
It's Autumn Equinox and I NEED your energy!
"This WILL be Erika's new house....This WILL be Erika's new house...."

For everyone confused about what is going on at Cern....

2008-09-12T22:22:00.001Z

SHIT SHIT SPIDERS RUN SHIT ARGHHHH!!!!

2008-09-07T17:12:00.003Z

Here is the article:

IT'S the stuff of nightmares – spiders with green giant fangs who wait until its dark and then jump out on unsuspecting passers by.

But that's the terrifying scenario in one Tredworth street which has become home to a colony of 40 rare segestria florentinas.

Amy Miles, 25, discovered the creepy crawlies living in a wall next to her nan's house in Ducie Street.

She said: "I was outside and I saw these little black legs poking out of the wall.

"I went and shone a torch in and saw this shiny spider. I panicked, I thought it might be poisonous."

After Amy managed to trap one of the creatures in a jar she contacted Cheltenham wildlife expert David Haig, who is the county spider recorder.

He confirmed it was no normal arachnid and identified it as a segestria florentina.

The species is not normally found so far in land and both David and Amy are at a loss as to how the colony came to be living in the wall.

Mr Haig now has one of the spiders in his care for testing.

He said they weren't dangerous but had been known to bite people.

"It would hurt but they wouldn't put you in hospital," he said.

"They live in a silken tube which they embed into brickwork and then when other creatures go past, they come out and grab them.

"They are usually seen around coastal areas and in ports like Bristol and London, where they arrive in ships."

"I'd happily let one crawl on me," he said, "But I wouldn't want to pinch it."

Mr Haig said the segestria florentina could be lurking in other areas too.

"They could well be elsewhere in Gloucester, they might have come from the docks," he said.

Although Amy admits she is terrified of the spiders she is determined to find out more about them.

She said: "I would like to know how on earth they got to Tredworth."

Anyone who spots the spiders should leave them alone as they pose no threat if undisturbed.

Here is what I thought as I discovered that my whole wall was covered with them....

SHIT SHIT SPIDER DEATH SHIT OW DEATH KILL KIDS RUN RUN NOW ..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so actually they won't hurt you that much but I'm not joking...I live in Ducie Street and my whole front wall is COVERED in their weird webs.

This is what it looks like all over my wall.

Sooooo.....now Rob has just told me that we have one in our bathroom. He's been keeping it as a pet all year.

SHIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Music you MUST hear

2008-08-31T18:00:00.003Z

Polly has put some of her music on line. THANK GOODNESS!!! Now I can direct you all to go to her myspace site and listen.
Isn't she wonderful?

cunts

2008-08-31T10:37:00.002Z

Slow blogging at the moment but I thought I'd show you this:
it made me laugh.
Incidentally, inside one vagina is Andrea Gibson.
Cool huh?

Making my point - with a tit on my head!

2008-08-19T16:22:00.002Z

More food for free

2008-08-11T08:07:00.003Z

I've made a meal for nothing!
Red Dragon Pie: Aduki beans, beetroot, any odds and ends of veg that need eating up (I used cabbage, courgette, onions and runner beans) and a good pinch of salt and garam masala. Stew it all together until it's red and cooked. Put on the bottom of a pie dish and cover with a layer of mashed potatoes and cook in the oven for a bit. It's a bit like Shepard's pie but with red dragons.
You can put cheese on the top if you like but I don't own a cow so I can't get milk for free...pity!
If you are wondering if I grew adulki beans then no, I'm afraid I haven't got the far but they were out of my store cupboard and had been sitting around for ages so as far as I was concerned I didn't have to fork out money for them.
With this whole credit crunch thing going on the price of basic food is rocketing. Oil, rice and pasta are now no longer cheep foods so I have been trying to use things that haven't gone up yet. This means looking at pulses and other grains.
I made a cracking dahl from green lentils and spiced it up with my usual look through my spice box and stick in stuff than smells about right. It was quite good but I had a chat to lady in my local world food shop and she said I really needed to dry roast my spices first. I kind of knew that but in the heat of the moment I had forgotten.
So I bought a selection of pulses and loads of spices (Adsa- small jar for over a pound, local Indian shop 49p for a small sack) and this week I will be experimenting.

Starlings....whoo...what are they good for....??

2008-08-02T09:19:00.002Z

Well...pie, apparently.
My Father-in-law keeps a lot of chickens and he has been plagued by a huge amount of starlings eating his chicken feed which is not cheep! (puns aplenty - ha!) So he is going to shoot them with his air rifle. I'm not sure if I'm entirely happy with his idea but he seems set that this is the only thing that will do. I thought that you might be able to eat the things. After a little bit of searching I found that the US Government in 1930 issues a book of recipes for Starlings in a bit to encourage the populace to eat the things. Here's one:

"Fry some chopped turnips and carrots. Add a little stock and a glass of red wine. Place some starlings or other small birds in the pan. Add a thin purée of boiled potatoes mashed with beaten eggs, dry mustard, and some stock and a little beer. Cover with stock and cook for about 30 minutes, adding some ripe olives near the end."

Sounds Yummy!
Anyway, I'm not sure anyone else is convinced this is a good idea. Someone said they were vermin and were probably full of germs but these guys have had a steady diet of Layers Pellets and are probably healthy birds.
Any thoughts anyone?

Been camping

2008-07-28T08:36:00.002Z

My family and I have been camping for a while in the beautiful village of Blaisden (I think this might be a wrong spelling). Whilst I was away my mother cleaned our carpets!!!!!!!!! Bless her.
It's been a very long time since I have been camping and NOT been at a festival. In fact I think it was 200 when a bunch of us went on a tour Devon camping in odd places. But even then, in the daytime we packed our tents and went somewhere new. This camping and not doing anything thing is totally new to me.
Rob's family (and let me tell you there are a LOT of them...I mean A LOT..) used to go camping up there for the whole summer holidays; six weeks! They used to camp near a Catholic boarding school that was in the big hall. The school no longer exists but the hall is still there and so they camp for a mere two weeks in it's shadow, renting out a farmers field.
It's been very nice, not really doing anything. I saw a kingfisher and one evening a huge dragonfly performed an aerobatic display for Puggs and I. It flew so close to us, a few inches away from our faces. I saw it catch a fly in midair. It was the most amazing close-up nature thingy that has happened to me.

Geek fails

2008-07-20T08:29:00.001Z

hang on try this link to Osiris' blog

Osiris Writes

2008-07-18T20:54:00.005Z

My darling boy has just started a blog! What a mile stone and a very modern one! I have helped him a little bit with his first post but the words are all his and he wrote most of it by himself.
So if you would like to know what my lovely boy is thinking about then go on over to :
osiriswrites.blogspot.com

For all those with cats

2008-07-18T11:25:00.001Z

Allotment recipes

2008-07-17T08:36:00.003Z

As we are starting to get veg from our allotment I thought I would share a few of the creative ways we have been using them.

Chard
You can just steam this and pop a knob of butter on the top.
Judy said it was very nice in a cheese sauce - what did you use Judy?
I filled some pasta tubes with a mixture o chard and cream cheese and baked it with pasata and cheesy breadcrumb topping.

More soon when we start to harvest some of the big boys!

2000 trees - It rained and I came home early

2008-07-14T06:11:00.003Z

I'm not really one of those people who gives up if it rains a little bit. I'm not even willing to give up on a festival if it rains A LOT. After all, I am a veteran of Glasto '97 and '98 where it was soooo bad the only way to stay was to take so many drugs that you didn't care that you were in three foot of sludge that was made of pooh and wee from the portaloos that overflowed.
2000 tress wasn't that bad. It was muddy and in places it was VERY muddy but nothing that a pair of wellies and a bit of firm determination couldn't sort out.
No, I didn't come home because of the mud but because of the LACK OF ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING TO DO!!!!!!
I knew it was going to be small, I'd done many small festys before, but it was only one field. It had a very small stage, an acoustic marquee and a shed that played dance music. There were only 2 stalls you could buy stuff at and it was Bumi tat (craply carved balsa wood animals and glow sticks) and 3 places to eat (expensive pies, greasy burgers, Thai) and two beer tents.
I don't know haw many people went but it was too many. The tents were packed in tighter than Glasto 2000, the toilets were brimming, you couldn't get anywhere nears any of the stages and so most people hung around their tents drinking cider. There were a few children but most of the people there were teenagers who had bought their own body weight in beer.
After two nights of having drunk rude people crashing into the tent and standing on my sleeping children, the 'Rubin Camp' who was made up of 40 people singing weird death metal songs loudly and in a slightly cult-like manner into the night and two children that just cried at me and said they wanted to go home....I went home.
2ooo Trees is a terrible festival; over priced for the tiny amount of stuff there is there. Just a few cafe tents would have made it nicer. A few more stages, a few more stalls, a few more toilets. Don't go. I was told there was quiet camping that I didn't know about. "Perhaps next year" The steward said. "There isn't going to be a next year" I said grimly.
But I have learned a few lessons and there is some good to be gleamed out of this:

Don't listen to anybody say they have been to a good festival unless they have been to the Big Green Gathering to compare it to.
In fact don't really bother to going to anything that isn't the Big Green Gathering.
Osiris got to run about and be a real festival kid. The place was too small for him to get lost. (I think I will write a whole new post on that later)
I got to see a few Bristol friends and spend some quality time with Hayley. We sat around in my tent for the whole time so we could have done that in my garden.
Polly won the Open Mic night and got a slot the next day. She's so fab.
As we were sitting in the tent listening to the rain the Red Arrows flew past and we got a wonderful view of the air displays that were flying at Fairford.
At least it was local and I was able to come home early.
It was actually really nice to come back home and I haven't felt that for a loooooong time.

In print again!

2008-07-12T15:49:00.003Z

W00t and then some!
My 'birth of solomon' short story has been picked by Hathor...YES HATHOR!!...to be one of the 30 stories about natural birth in her new book.
W00t I say and thrice w00t.
I must get down to some more writing.
More Importantly Black Mag the Pirate is starting to knock on the inside of my skull trying to get out.

You can breastfeed...for a while.

2008-07-10T04:48:00.003Z

The NHS could save £5 million a year on the treatment of gastroenteritis in babies if more children were breastfed. There is a firm link between bottle feeding and childhood obesity. I believe that the rise in adults with reoccurring and hard-to-live-with Irritable Bowl Syndrome is not unconnected to the rise of bottle feeding. Allergies, asthma,eczema, breast cancer in young women, diabetes: we see then all the time in greater numbers and in younger people.
I know it's an old rant of mine but something new has come up to make me angry about the lack of support and information about breastfeeding there is from the government. Healthy adults come from healthy babies and a baby cannot reach it's optimum health potential without being breastfed. It's a fact.
So why...WHY????? Have the government put a cap of 6 months on the 'right to breastfeed in public places' legislation that is due to come in?
There is a big rally of lactavists in London next week to try to highlight the ridiculousness of this. In Scotland you are protected until your baby is 2 years...oh joy!
I do feel like going out and feeding my 5 year old and saying "Yeah????"
6 months...6 months???? How silly.
I wonder how much the formula companies had to do with this? It can only help them with their evil "After 6 months stop breastfeeding and give them our special follow-on formula. After all, breastmilk is for babies. Give yourself a pat on the back for breastfeeding a bit and then buy buy buy! Breastmilk doesn't have enough iron in it anyway*...." campaign.
Gah!

* Yes it has and it also has Human Lactoferrin witch isolates iron in food and makes it available and easily absorbed in the gut and unavailable to harmful bacteria. Formula is packed with iron but very little can be absorbed and most of it goes to feed the bad bacteria.

I love my wii

2008-07-08T07:14:00.003Z

I have to confess that I was a bit worried about buying a Wii. It's one of those gadgets that when you play for a few minutes on someone else's then it seems really great but when you get one yourself you find that the initial attraction soon wears off.
NOT SO!!
I have played all the way through Wario Smooth Moves and LOVED it. Not bored yet. Played most of the way through Rabbid Rabbits- LOVED IT! Not bored yet. Slightly bored of Wii Sports but I think that is because I'm not really a fan of sports IRL so it's not surprising that I'm not so keen.
My new fav is SUPER MARIO GALAXY. It's so huge and addictive. I have had to get Rob to do a few of the harder parts (he's a gamer, why keep a dog and bark yourself - ya know?) but apart from a few tricky bits I've been zooming through the levels and really enjoying it. I've never really enjoyed Mario games before as they seem overly hard. Most people who like Mario are slightly deranged and think that games should be too hard to complete and that doing a level 206 times is good for you...I don't. I want to do most of a game first, maybe second time. That's not the case for this game as I have had to do a few bits more than 20 times but the satisfaction when I've done it is worth it.
God, I think I'm turning into a gamer.
Anyway I'll let you know when I've rescued Princess Peach.

Just fab

2008-07-04T20:56:00.001Z

Thanks to Danielle for this. This is just lovely.
It says 'to give breast is to give life'. Doesn't that just say it all?
What I like is the cheeky toddlers fiddling with the other breast whilst feeding...it's not just mine!

I'm in print

2008-07-03T20:03:00.001Z

I had an article published in the BFN newsletter. It was about feeding an older child. I'm quite chuffed.

Food at last!

2008-06-29T09:05:00.003Z

I had a fantastic dinner last night made with food from the allotment. We had boiled potatoes with mint, chard and some pork that sadly I did not grow...maybe one day!
3 of the 4 women who are in our community group met for brunch this morning in the garden and we cooked broads beans, peas, dwarf beans and scrambled egg. YUM! Is there anything more satisfying than sitting with your friends and eating food which was growing only a few moments ago? Possibly scuffling about in the dirt to find the first potatoes?
It's all coming good!
I've had loads of salad out of the allotment and also out of my own garden. The only problem is I've become a bit addicted to sowing seeds and my garden is full of seedlings that need to go into the ground soon but we have totally run out of space! I'm very close to digging up my lawn!

Indiana Jones and the suspension of disbelief

2008-06-27T21:39:00.003Z

A very lovely friend of mine looked after our kids tonight so that Rob and I could have some 'us' time. (Thanks L) We decided to go and see the Indiana Jones movie. I am a bit of a fan of the 1st Indi film as it came out when I was young enough to enjoy all the action adventure and old enough to appreciate all the adult stuff, plus my little brother loved it so we ended up watching it quite a few times.
WARNING THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS although if you're going to see this film for it's clever plot devises might I suggest you are setting your expectations a little high.
First of all I was amazed at how OLD Indi is. Look, I know he's 70 and all that but you just don't get to see 70 year olds on the big screen much, at least without extensive plastic surgery ala Joan Rivers. My first reaction to the 'action' was "Don't hit him, he's an old fella" and I genuinely felt some fear that he was going to put his hip out as he leaped all over the place (well...tottered is probably more the word) especially as I was told that he did all his own stunts.
Accompanied by his double-crossing sidekick played by Ray 'I'm Henry the VIII I am' Winston (who only plays a cockney geezer in ALL his roles) they meet the KJB (Russians/ Nazis...neh) and then you have to firmly suspend your disbelief over such a deep bottomless hole of reality that you really need to believe that it IS bottomless and if it falls you WILL end up in china.
You've got to admire a film that sets out with such high expectations from the viewer. Indi get stuck in a test town where a nuclear bomb is being detonated and survives by climbing into a fridge that gets miraculously thrown away from the blast zone...and he's fine. No, really he's fine....it's all fine {mysterious Obi-won hand waving in fount of face whilst you repeat in a zombie like tone "It's all fine...."}
He mets a boy who turns out to be his son (Gasp!) by the lovely Marion "I'm your goddamn partner Indi" from film 1 who I was rather excited to see when she stepped out of the tent. She also has had no plastic surgery and it was refreshing to see an actress look and act her age. Well...act is rather a strong word for what she was doing. In fact the whole film was a bit short of acting. It was more reading-out-words that they were doing. This was emphasized by the rather fine mad-man acting from John 'alien bursting from my stomach' Hurt. It's a pity, you would have thought he could have given them a few tips on set.
Anyway the aliens have crystal skeletons and the Russian hottie wants them. The aliens came down to Earth and taught an ancient Mayan/Aztec/not sure what civilization the secrets of farming and irrigation. The skull turns people mad and wants to be returned to it's body which sits with 12 others waiting...it all gets a bit vague here...
Needless to say the plot doesn't hold any water and there is no explanation as to why the Russian Hottie gets turned into dust and sucked through a dimensional rift at the end. But after you've seen Indi survive a nuclear strike, 'Mutt' swing through the trees and persuade monkeys to attack the Russians for him, and killer foot long ants skillfully avoid the crystal skull because they don't like it's eyes, you're ready to believe ANYTHING.
It all end happily every after with Indi getting married to Marion (awww) and leaves it open for the next film to be about Indy or his son...who knows.
I did enjoy the film but that was largely because of all the references to the first one and there were some really scary moments in underground tombs. The aliens were a bit scary so were some of the Inca/Indian/something people that just came out of the walls of the temple (why? No explanation) and I love sitting in the dark and laughing at a film - Rob is my perfect person to do it with (awww).
I still don't understand what happened at the end though...13 aliens became one, they weren't dead, they had a spaceship...what was THAT all about. It's as if "It was all a spaceship" seemed to be all you needed to be told and you nod your head wisely and say "Aliens...arh...I see"

Stonehenge

2008-06-22T20:38:00.002Z

Times this about three thousand times and you get the idea of what it was like; people overwhelmed with love and pagan goodness but also very fucked and tired.
That's what we did on this Holy Day...get wet and happy

Mmmmmm

2008-06-19T16:31:00.002Z

Embarrassingly enough when I found this over on Brand New Feminist I was eating some yogurt that I had made myself in a thermos flask. I had to ask myself was I making and eating yogurt because I like it or because I am being programed by the evil TV.
I do actually really like it; freshly made and live. I've been feeding it to the kids 'cos it must be doing them so good...right????

There's a wonderful world of....cancer....

2008-06-14T20:22:00.001Z

That roundabout feeling

2008-06-14T09:51:00.005Z

Do you remember in the '70s there were a kind of roundabout in playgrounds that looked like a big spiderweb? (Not pictured, I couldn't find a picture of the ones I mean.)
They were about waist height to a five year old and there was not really anything to hang onto when you spun round. You had to stick your limbs out like a giant fly stuck to it. It had a smooth ball in the middle that you could hang onto for dear life.
Do you remember playing on that roundabout? Do you remember there was always one girl who was really good at pushing it round? She always made it go faster than anyone else. At first it was fun, spinning and whirling, clinging on. After a while she started to push it harder and harder, laughing with a wild glee or sometimes silent with a look of ferocity on her face, determined to go faster than any child had gone before.
There was always a point where I would suddenly start feeling scared. My fingers were sore and I didn't know how much longer I could cling on for. I realized I was trapped there with a girl who didn't seem to know the danger she was putting us in. There were no adults around and I had totally lost my bearings. There was nothing to stop me from being flung off if I let go. As much as I told her to stop it and let it slow down it would still take a while for the roundabout to slow enough for me to put my feet on the ground to stop it. Could I hang on that long? What would happen if I didn't? Why wasn't she scared? Was I imagining the danger?
They were very unsafe things, those roundabouts. Looking back I realize that I was right; we were going too fast, we could have hurt ourselves. These days roundabouts are loads safer with seats and things to hang onto properly.
Well....I sometimes experience the same scared roundabout feeling. I feel dizzy and as if I am about to let go and I don't know what will happen.
It can happen in a shop, on the street, whilst shouting at my children, filling out forms, thinking about a future, any future, next week even.
I don't know what will happen if I let go so I cling with my fingers hurting, straining, white, trying to keep my grip on all of this.
It's much more important that I don't let go this time.
We are going much to fast and I don't know where the adults are...

you WILL listen to The Smiths

2008-06-08T10:54:00.001Z

YOU WILL!!!
You will share my misery.

some days...

2008-06-06T21:36:00.002Z

Some days I wake up and all I want to do is listen to the Smiths.
Am I still ill?
Some times I want to scoop all this panic and pain into a heap inside my chest then kick it about like autumn leaves.
I am worried about her...I'm so worried that it makes me feel sick. I don't know what to do, how to help, who to talk to...I try to talk to everybody but it doesn't ease the .... worry? pain? angst?
Does the mind rule the body or does the body rule the mind..I dunno...
She doesn't know anymore. She doesn't do anything but feel and obey. Where can it go now? Where can she go? Why would he not let me talk to her? What's going on?
Ask me why and I'll spit in your eye...ask me why and I'll....
die
am I still ill?

Solomon knocks me out cold.

2008-06-05T10:06:00.003Z

I knew my kids would do me in eventually but I didn't expect it to start so soon!
Yesterday we were in the chemists and I bent over to pick Solomon up just at the same time as he jumped as high and as hard as he could.
SMACK!
Right on the chin. A good upper cut.
The next thing I know I am on the floor surrounded by people asking if I would like an ambulance called.
I had blacked out. Really knocked out. That's never happened to me before. It was weird.
I couldn't really think very well and everything seemed a long way off. I totted to a chair and sat down until the room stopped spinning.
Solomon sat on my lap looking a little sheepish. "Me head hurtin' too mummy" he said quietly.
I staggered home. the only thing keeping me upright was the pram. Luckily my mum was there when I got home and she took me to her house and fed me pizza.

Women full of chemicals

2008-06-03T07:15:00.003Z

Well, the dark moon has rolled around again and I get to thinking about my sisters.
I often surprise women when we are talking about our birth control/family planning methods. I am often surprised in return by how many women are FULL of chemicals.
Look, I know how important the pill is to women. I know that for some people it is the only way they are not perpetually pregnant and I would NEVER take away any women's right to free and easy access of all birth control. I also know what a revolution it was to society and how much it pisses off the Catholic Church (which must be a good thing :p) but...but...but...
I feel a bit sad that the way we get the power to control our bodies is perversely by filling them with man-made chemicals that have lots of side effects one of which is to make us not really feel like sex.
I discovered a long time ago that the pill and any other chemical aided contraception made me mad. Not a bit mad but properly bonkers; life-riskingly bonkers. So...I can't do those.
It was quite hard to persuade any men of this though. I've had a few (ahem) boyfriends and up until my lovely Rob, they have all been bastards about this issue. One even went as far as to write me a little ode to explain his feelings over this:-
'My nob won't shag
If it's in a plastic bag'
Pure Shakespeare I'm sure you'll agree. And so sensitive and romantic!
Of course with a girlfriend this just isn't a problem - horray!
One woman was asked by a doctor what method of contraception her and her partner used. "We don't use sperm" she replied.
Rob, however (sorry to talk about you in public love) understands that unless he wants more children there are some times when condoms have to be used. He doesn't want more kids and he wants a sane girlfriend so the solution is obvious - a combo of natural family planning and condoms. I want a partner who respects me and my body, control over my fertility and not to be full of chemicals. We are both happy!
But most women are surprised at our choice. To some, condoms seem to say that the relationship isn't a serious one, you haven't committed enough. It seems like it's a part of the relationship now; the part where you are committing to each other, he starts saying he might, possibly, maybe could be falling in love and she fills herself up with dangerous mood altering chemicals....oh and he gets to stop putting a bag on his nob....phew! That's love!

More politics

2008-05-22T22:17:00.000Z

To
Parmjit Dhanda and Stephen Timms

Thank you for the reply concerning the changes in Housing Benefit.
I understand why these changes have happened but I do not understand why the limit is so low. I live in one of the poorest areas of Gloucester and I challenge you to find a two bedroomed house for the money we are alloted.
I have two children and a partner and we are looking for a house in catchment area of our oldest child's school, Treadworth Infants, as I feel to remove him and start at a new school would be very disruptive for him. I search the property information every week and have yet to find a place where we would not have to fund our rent from our benefit payments. We already live to the limit of our means spending money on food, clothes, bills and educational accessories for our children.
This is a link to a site showing the average rent prices in Gloucester:
http://www.findaproperty.com/areadetails.aspx?edid=00&salerent=1&areaid=1272&hs=30
Again I say to you: I challenge you to find a property that fits into the new scheme of payments.
I feel this change of payments is unfair and taking money from the poorest people and their children.
This is NOT reducing child poverty.
I await your reply.
From
Erika Devine

It's what I'd do...

2008-05-21T17:21:00.003Z

An aid worker breastfeeds a hungry motherless baby in china.
...It's defiantly something I would do!
(Thanks Sparks for the link btw)

Fame at last!

2008-05-18T09:33:00.002Z

Well...not really.
Almost...a bit!
I was on Radio Gloucestershire...which is a bit crap. Really I would like to be on Women's Hour.
I was a guest on the lunchtime show talking about breastfeeding.
It was great.

Would you like cream with that?

2008-05-12T08:54:00.001Z

Clipta - new video wave: starbucks employee of the month

Of course we all know it's not real as anyone who has hand-expressed knows it NEVER comes out in a steady stream like that!

Beastfeeding pigs????

2008-05-12T01:24:00.003Z

Just thought I'd share this with you.

The stats...

2008-05-10T23:48:00.003Z

From the Department of Health...

In 2005, 45 per cent of all mothers in the United Kingdom were breastfeeding exclusively at one week, while 21 per cent were feeding exclusively at six weeks. At four months the figure was 7 per cent while at six months the proportion of mothers who were breastfeeding exclusively was negligible (<1 per cent).

So if your baby is one of the lucky 7% who are still only getting breastmilk at four months then you shoud give yourself five gold mothering stars! Or a mothering merit badge!

Can men breastfeed?

2008-05-10T17:37:00.001Z

Breastfeeding Awreness Week

2008-05-10T09:17:00.003Z

What a depressing start to BFAW....
Of the mothers who start breastfeeding in hospital 45% have given some formula to their baby in the first week.
This is surly an indication that breastfeeding support is needed right at the very start.
Ho hum....

Chicken thought for the day

2008-05-09T14:33:00.002Z

Friend: "What have you been up to recently Erika?"
Me: "It's all been chickens and breastfeeding really"
Friend: "Don't get the two mixed up!"

Bloody idiot gets power

2008-05-05T17:56:00.002Z

He's now mayor of London.
How did it happen?
HOW????
Isn't he 'Tim Nice-but-dim'?? (Except not so nice as he's a raving racist)
HOW??????

Th Red Tent

2008-05-05T09:02:00.002Z

It's moon dark. I'm bleeding...how have I only just noticed that? Is it because I have read the Red Tent a few months ago, or has it always been this way?
Answers women please.
(disclaimer - yes I know that we are in phase with the White Lady but I wonder how many of us are in phase with her dark side - just as in the Red Tent - see?)

Global credit crunch...we're ready!!

2008-05-04T07:56:00.002Z

...because we have chickens and are growing veg!
I am sitting here eating the 1st eggs from our chickens and let me tell you they are lovely.
I'm not sure I'm going to remember it all but here is the list of veg we've got going on: potatoes, dwarf French beans, runner beans, broad beans, peas, mange too(can't spell it!), sugar snap peas, asparagus (may be dead), salad, leeks, swedes, raspberries, blackcurrant, tayberry (may be just a dead stick) pumpkins, butternut squash, courgettes, sweetcorn, broccoli, cauliflowers, brussel spouts, cabbage.
Phew!!
I'm sure I've missed some out.
The problem is that we don't really have the space to put everything we have spouted. We may have to have a big sell off of seedlings.
But the chickens....they are so tame and sweet. They are called Nmia and Kirby and if we ever had any plans for putting them in a pot then they were gone the minute I stroked one. They stick their shoulders out and make a little platform on their back when you stroke them. Our chicken Guru says that they do that for the cockral. No boys here, this is a women's community garden!

Evil formula

2008-04-29T19:17:00.002Z

If you can possible bare it please watch this awful example of how evil the formula companies are. I tried to embed it in my blog but I just don't have the geek skills.
I saw this on TV tonight and I really thought that it was a new advert from the Department of Health about how great breastfeeding was until...dun dun dur....actually it was telling me that although I've breastfed my child for a while really he's getting far too big for it at about...oh...six months and I really should be thinking about follow on milk.
Bastardos

The birth of Solomon

2008-04-27T22:39:00.001Z

Let me tell you how you came to be, my son.
Let me tell you of your entry into this world.
Let me tell you how your mother fought and ripped and screamed but in her triumph passed from helpless being into the land of Kali; of Shakti; of female power unimpeded; of peaceful mother feeding her child everything her body had to give.
It started a long time before the pain. It started when a woman told me that I could not birth in my home, my cave, for fear of my death. I knew she was wrong but she scared those around me. She could not see my invisible attendants. They were the Old Ones from before a time of men laying their hands on a birthing woman’s body. I could feel them around me. Tawet; the hippo-headed mother. Hapi; the dwarf who loves babies. Hathor; sacred mother who in her last moments of desperation turns into Sehkmet; the lion-headed warrior. Isis; the eternal midwife.
I could feel the old one’s charms wrapped around me. I could feel my friend’s love and hope. When the time came to walk into the birthing room I was not alone, I was not afraid.
The pains started.
I smiled. I was going to meet you, my son, at last after nine months of sickness and waiting, waiting, waiting.
I paced my home. The pains got stronger and more demanding. I walked.
Day turned to night and I was burying my face in cushions and moaning muffled sounds.
Your father went to bed. He knew it was going to be a long time yet.
The pain subsided, came less often, less urgently.
Day came. I lay in the bath, too tried to do anything but feel my body’s shivers. I slept a little in the water, waking with each contraction. I was entering a dream-like state, almost ecstatic; the pain was a long way away from me, down a long tunnel.
Somehow night came again.
I started to worry. This was going to be a long labour but I was not going to lie down and give up, I was going to walk every step.
I decided to take control.
Midnight. The house was quiet, the lights down low. I took out my drum. I lay some artefacts before me: Painted stones, a necklace of beads, a vial of arnica, an image of the Goddess, a band of green ribbon. These things were given to me by my powerful sisters, my friends, at my Mother Blessing.
I tapped out a rhythm. I knew you could hear it inside of me. I drummed a beat that came from beyond this age of needles, white rooms and separation, it came from my heart, my ancient heart, it came from my mother and her mother before her.
The pains grew stronger and more urgent.
I needed others to drum the beat for me now but I was alone so I put music on so that I could dance. In another time, another life, my sisters would have made the music on their drums and with their song but this was now and so the music came through a machine.
I danced.
You danced inside me and slipped further into place.
The pain was swift and strong but I owned it now.
When the fingers of dawn just reached out through the sky I woke your father and said “It’s time to go”.
The birthing room was cold, sterile, silent, bright. It was an assault on my senses after the dark place I had come from. But I owned this experience and so we set about making it my den.
We turned the lights right down, the radio on, pushed to bed to one side and put blankets on the floor. Now I could birth.
They left me alone, didn’t touch me, didn’t measure me. I had told them before “Hands off”. Your father made sure I didn’t have to think of these things in this moment of intense birthing.
I walked.
I walked.
I dropped to the ground and roared with every contraction.
I pulled myself up again.
I walked....
There came a point where I clambered up onto the bed, got onto my knees and started screaming.
It was the most exquisite pain.
In between each contraction I laughed and smiled at your father. Partly to reassure him that I was fine even though I was screaming (I see now, the screaming made it fine, that’s how I was dealing with the pain) but mostly because my body was making the most enormous amounts of endorphins. I was giddy and as high as I had ever been. It knocked my vision out and yet every moment is as clear as a bell.
I gripped the sides of the bed, tearing it.
I demanded ice was put to my lips.
I shouted “Come on baby, come on baby” to you to tell you the time had come.
Then it was over. I pushed once, twice, and you were in the world.
I was so tired I barely had the strength to turn and look at you. Your father held you as I moved my naked body around.
There you were. I held you on my chest. You didn’t cry. I was naked, breathless and waiting for the afterbirth; I looked into your father’s eyes with triumph.
I was the most powerful I have ever been, in that moment I had become the Goddess.
You nuzzled and crept until you found a nipple. You suckled.
You had come.
You were safe.
I love you.

Cassie...continuing the theme....

2008-04-22T20:15:00.005Z

This is an extract from 'Skins' and, for those of you not in the know or don't give a flying fuck about teeny angst fest TV, is the hip new (well, nearly, it's just finished the second series) fancy thing about what it's really like to be a teen in Bristol.
Cassie is a thin girl with anorexia who came out of hospital in the first ever episode. She is, as you can tell from this clip, meant to be slightly mad but thin, beautiful and vulnerable. She arranges food rather than eats it and in one episode we see a huge draw of chocolates under her bed. I don't know whether we are to believe that she eats this and then throws up or that she likes to keep it just to look at and re-arrange. She is portrayed as someone who is aware of her eating disorder and also aware that it makes people pay attention to her and to gain power.
What do people make of her?
They fucking love her.
Men want to take care of her and women want to be her.
Thinspiration indeed.
The program is often full of great ideas on how to be anorexic: How to look like you're eating from your plate but really moving the food around, how to put weights down your pants when you are being weighed or how to drink 4 liters of water just before a weighing to give you that extra couple of kilos.
Amid all these great ideas Cassie spins about, smiling, kissing people and taking drugs in a cute fluffy way. She gets stuff for free all the time, she expects it. She's just so.....so.....great isn't she folks?
Well thanks channel 4 for giving us all something to aspire to.
Here you go, see an extract for yourselves if you can stomach it (sic). That's just a cab driver, by the way. See, she makes EVERYONE love her. Oh and the comments on youtube for this clip?
"She's so pretty"
"I just love her"
"Go Cassie"
You get the drift.

Bulimia in the headlines

2008-04-22T07:17:00.003Z

T' other day Northan lad and unpopular driver of two jags, John Prescott, told the world that he had suffered from bulimia.
Now, I'm not his biggest fan and I don't particularly feel sorry for him but I am really surprised by the media's reaction to his revelation. Most of it went "Prescott...bulimia...ha ha ha ....obviously not very good at it"
One comedian said he's done the first bit; binging, but forgotten to do the next bit; throwing up. "I don't want to around when that lot comes out" He laughed.
Even someone on Radio 4's Woman's Hour said "Looking at him he's clearly loosing the battle" Meaning he was still fat.
I'm quite surprised that people still think of bulimia in terms of anorexia; pretty thin tragic girls being silly but still managing to be thin, vulnerable and desirable.
There are now a lot, and I mean A LOT, of people who throw up their food as a matter of course. Not all of them are thin. In fact most bulimics are overweight. Most of them think they are not bulimic because they are still fat and it's clearly not working.
Let me spell it out for everyone:
BULIMIA DOES NOT MAKE YOU THIN
PEOPLE WHO ARE FAT HAVE EATING DISORDERS TOO
Not many people say "Just eat something!!" at anorexic girls because they know there is so much more to it than just eating some food. Then why do people still think it's ok to say "Just eat less" to fat people? Oh yeah, we're the disgusting ones, the greedy ones, the ugly ones.

My 'to read' pile

2008-04-18T22:38:00.003Z

My 'to read' pile is huge!
This comes from getting books faster than I can read them.
I'm a bit anal when it comes to books. I used to keep them in alphabetical order but now I have run out of room and they have to crammed into whatever space is available. I keep the books I have read together on my bookcases and the books I have not read under my bed. At the last count there were nearly 200 books under the bed.
Hmmm.
So I decided I would start a new system (I'm always thinking up systems when it comes to my books) where I would try to read the books that have been in the pile the longest.
I have just finished Jonh Wynham's Sees of Time that I took out of the Churchdown School Library when I was about 15.
I can't believe I have had a book sitting around waiting to be read for 20 years. When I think of all the places I have taken that book: Birmingham, back to Gloucester, several flats, two houses - wow!
It was quite good.
I've ruined it of course by going and buying 5 books this week; I just can't help myself!
It's such an exciting moment when I finish a book and think about what I shall read next. Shall I read something I've been putting off for a while? Or shall I read one of the new books I've just bought? Or shall I read that book someone gave me for my birthday in September? Or one of the kid's books I got in a penny sale at the library? Or the new Jasper Fforde?
OOOOOOOOh choices choices!
The joy of books.

"Who would have thought...."

2008-04-15T22:18:00.003Z

Someone said something to me the other day that left me feeling uneasy even though it sounded like a compliment. She was commenting on the GBSN (Gloucestershire Breastfeeding Supporters Network) and how much work they have done in the last 5 years. I first came for breastfeeding support when I had Osiris and then trained to be a Peer Supporter. After a while I was asked if I would like to train with the BFN to become a Breastfeeding Supporter (equivalent to an NCT councilor) the money came from the Sure Start scheme that I was also a volunteer for (in fact I became the vice chair on the board just before Sure Start was scraped for Children's Centers).
I started out in a group of six women and only two of us are now qualified. It took me three years to get this qualification and I had to write a lot of essays and do lots of reading and research.
This woman said "Who would have have thought that you'd come so far? Who would have thought that the GBSN could do so much for someone like you..."

At the time I thought "humm...." and later I thought "hang on a minute..."

What did she mean by that I wonder? I don't think I am a stupid person. The fact I haven't done much with my life is out of sheer laziness and love of drugs, not lack of intelligence.
Although the training was payed for and organized by the GBSN I do believe I would have fallen into this anyway, probably gravitating towards the NCT. In some ways that would have been better because where I am there is only three BFN supporters and a whole army of NCT counselors. I feel as if there is a big club that I am not allowed in and the politics has set me against people I really like. I often feel like I'm back at school and the popular group is excluding me because I'm friends with the girl they bully.

So...yes, great, free training but if I could go back and do it again I would probably choose a different path.

"...someone like you..."
That sticks in my caw.
What does that mean??
I bet she doesn't say that about some of the NCT women, one of whom started off training with me as a Peer Supporter. (Yeah, hi C)

Is it the dreadlocks do you think? Is it that I'm on benefits? Is it that sometimes when I try to say things my mouth suddenly feels like it fills up with dough and I'm totally unable to get the bloody words out? Is it my clothes, my size (to some thin people fat=thick like they can't understand how someone can let themselves get into that state)?

I do hope that people who have talked to me for more than a few minutes understand that I'm not stupid.

When Osiris was born I started doing a number of things, joined groups, got involved, got all the free training I could get; the breastfeeding support is one of the things I have taken further, not the only one mind you. I do DO other stuff.

"...someone like you..."

Fuck off.

Happy Birthday Osiris

2008-04-14T16:53:00.002Z

He's 5 today!
I can't believe that 5 years ago I was getting ready to bring my new little baby home. I was trying to feed him without my back and nipple hurting. Looking into his little face I knew he would change me forever.
Watching my big boy of five break open the seal on his new set of 'Read at Home' books delighting that he has some new books, I know I have done something right and wonderful. He is such a lovely little boy, bright and confident, sometimes social and sometimes quiet. He surprises me with questions I'm not sure how to answer. He knows where babies come from and that some people believe in a God (or Goddess). He knows there are choices to be made in his life about these things and he knows he is the only person who can make them. He is comfortable with couples who are the same sex and also with people who want to be single and are happy about it, he knows what's important.
There's so much more to teach him and so much more for him to teach me, most of all there is so much for him to learn that doesn't involve his mother (sigh!).
Now we are learning how to be Mummy and Son without breastmilk.
I'm not sad, I think I'm ready now...finally...after five years...
I wasn't last year.
Thank you to all the wonderful people who supported my decision to keep on feeding him for another year when he was clearly not ready to give up but I felt the social pressure on me.
We are taking it one day at a time and today I am overwhelmingly happy for him. He has a new MP4 player, 6 sets of lego, lots of silly games and Polly made him a Kirby cake.
Happy birthday my darling.
Darling boy.

I don't know what to make of this....

2008-04-13T10:52:00.001Z

Spot the difference

2008-04-12T10:03:00.002Z

...I'm just saying....

Thai Curry

2008-04-10T06:49:00.003Z

Thai food is my absolute favorite. I am totally alone in this in my family. I could eat Thai food forever.
Last night I cooked my first fairly successful green curry. I've tried using green curry paste ready-made and sauces out of a jar but none of them have the exstream yummyness of the little stall in town that does a plate of curry for £3.
So I decided to find all the right ingredients and do it myself. This is what I used for my green curry paste:-
1 stalk of lemongrass
Juice of 1 lime
Just over 1 teaspoon of dried chili (next time I will use fresh)
1 teaspoon of dried kaffia lime leaves
1 teaspoon of galangal (might use more next time)
2 teaspoons of roasted spice mix (I didn't have cumin on it's own so I used a mix that has onion seeds and fenagreek in too)
A bunch of coriander stalks
3 garlic cloves
An onion (should be Thai shallots)

I wizzed them all up in the blender then fried then in some oil for a few minutes, added a bag of prawns, a pack of baby leeks, some baby courgettes and 2 small aubergines. Let of fry for a minute then add;
2 cans of coconut milk
A tablespoon of Thai fish sauce
A big lump of palm sugar (I was quite pleased to find this as it was tucked down a tiny aisle in the local Asian shop in unmarked tubs)
The leaves from the bunch of coriander
A few dried kaffia lime leaves.
Salt

I was really pleased with the result. It was yummy and creamy and had all the flavors it should have in.
Nobody but me ate any; I put the rest in the freezer.
Now my house is full of great ingredients and I've even got some lemongrass stalks in the freezer for another day.

Choosing from holy texts to suit your need

2008-04-08T22:28:00.002Z

I nicked this from Sizeofacow
It's a pretty good summation of why I am allowed to pick and choose from all the images of the Good Lady and anything positive I find in any religions; If it's good enough for the patriarchy....

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may ! not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

2008-04-07T07:58:00.003Z

Yum...thickened with potato starch!

If this doesn't want to make you puke on the heads of the formula manufactures then you clearly don't know enough about:-
a) breastfeeding
b) The dangers of bottle feeding
c) Why babies need to wake and feed during the night
d) Questioning why society expects us all to behave like robots, even when we are babies, and to not ask questions and to be good little prols and just plug yourself back into the matrix....

If you don't know about these things than you may need to start questioning your own life and about what behavior society expects from you.
It's all linked.
The personal is the political.
My baby doesn't sleep through the night, I don't wear pretty dresses, I don't care about shoes, Rob doesn't like sport, I don't buy or revere branded goods.

Dear MP

2008-04-05T07:10:00.001Z

Dear Parmjit Dhanda,

I am very concerned to the recent changes in Housing Benefit. As from the 7th of April a family of two are only entitled to £126 a week to pay for rented accommodation for a family with two children . This is replacing the system that would give you the asking price for the property as long as it was not over-priced. This change means that if you live in a property that costs more than £126 a week you will have to make up the shortfall out of your own benefits or wages. As the average price of property in this area is £570 - £650 a month for a two bedroomed house this leaves a shortfall of £70 - £150 a month that will need to come from the family's benefits or wages. As you can see this will affect the poorest people in a way that will make a big difference to their children's quality of life.
I am very worried about this, not just for myself but for all the families on low income in the city. As Labour are trying to tackle child poverty I do not understand why this change has happened.
Please can you do all you can to put our case to your Government.
I await your reply.

Yours sincerely,

Erika Devine

Portal....finished

2008-04-03T21:43:00.002Z

Two day geek fest over.
very sad
need Portal 2
.......
......
and cake

Geekfest

2008-04-02T20:02:00.004Z

I'm a bit of a gamer at heart. Many is the time where I have lost a day to tapping keys making a little woman shoot magic arrows at big scary monsters (I actually did a typo thing there and wrote mansters which I think is a fruedian slip). But I have, of late, found nothing to make my geeky bits tingle with that same gamer addiction that I used to have with the heady heights of Sim City or Sam and Max (that's showing my age - eh gamers?) but now Rob has set me up with a new thing which I may find almost as good as a good long game of Monkey Island (hard level).
Portal.
Have you played this Irgxana? What do you think? All I can say is "Hey look, I'm totaly waving my arse at you...I doing science with my arse" heh heh
AND ANOTHER THING this tinternety thingy is good for is Asda home shopping. I did my first load today. Sure, I didn't get to grab those going-out-of-date bargains but I also didn't have to put up with a toddler running away from me, the other one filling the basket with expensive things he has seen advertised on TV and having a nervous breakdown before I reach the check out.
The man came with boxes of goodies. I had forgotten what I'd ordered so it was a bit like a lovely hamper of surprises but stuff I really like - of course; I'd ordered it! Because I didn't have to go through the spin out moment of realizing's I've spent too much and it all came out of my bank account without me really doing anything, it felt like I hadn't payed for it. Seemingly free food!!
W00t...I believe I should say.

Veg and chickens

2008-03-26T22:02:00.002Z

Yes ohhhhhh yeash!
I am a bit over excited because the newly formed and very rough and ready Tredworth Women's Agriculture Thingy (that's T.W.A.T., (ok, it's not really called that but it makes me laugh every time)) is not on the brink of getting a plot.
The local city farm wants to put it's veg plots to good use and will only allow community groups to use them. We can also have chickens....
YES CHICKENS!!
W00t...as I believe they say in computer land.
Rob sighed and asked why I am always getting myself involved in things when I really don't have time for the stuff I do already.
What I really want is for the kids to remember digging the earth, running about in the sunshine and seeing the veg grow.
We are going to have pumpkins and beans and potatoes and and and
CHICKENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello....you're through to the boob line!

2008-03-25T15:11:00.002Z

A BT engineer is coming tomorrow to set up a government payed-for phone line in my house which is going to be used exclusively for breastfeeding support.
How exciting!
I am totally loving being on the end of a supporter line and the government has just set up a whole new one.
If you need me I'll be here!

0844 20 909 20

Trans gender women in women only safe spaces - my two pennys

2008-03-21T10:50:00.007Z

There has been an awful ruckus over at Maia's place because of a post about transgender women in women only safe spaces. At the same time I have been dealing with my feelings of being accused of appropriating Black culture by having dreadlocks. I thought I'd bring the two subjects together and upset lots of people. Not as many people read my blog so I don't think this will get the reaction that it might somewhere else; hence writing it here and not in the comments of someone else's blog.
Ok....so....dreadlocks. They have been around a long time and have meant many things to many people. Anybody who thinks that they are purely a Black thing is showing their ignorance of a White cultural heritage of the rebellion of hairstyles. Also to Indian heritage and others....there have been dreadlocks as long as people have had hair. My cat gets them if I don't brush his fur, is HE appropriating someone's culture? No.
So...dresses, lipstick and other 'girly' things. Alexander the Great came across the Persians and they were wearing these strange things called trousers. Blokes wore dresses until then (ok, togas or what ever but still not trousers). Anything girly now you can find evidence that it was not always so and that men did it once. Make-up; ancient Egyptians. Being fey and silly; Greek boys. There is even evidence of a tribe of men who induced lactation so they could feed the babies when the mothers were away.
It's all about culture.
It's all about context.
Ok...so let's pertend that I DO want to appropriate Black culture and that I'd felt all my life like I should have been black. In fact I'd been born in the wrong body and this feeling was so exstream that I felt I could not be myself unless I was living as a black person. I want to change my colour by surgery so that it is permanent. But before I can do that the Doctors tell me I have to live as a black person for a while without the surgery so I have to colour my skin with something else less permanent to 'make sure it's what I want'.
So now I have done that and I feel that I AM black...and then I walk into a meeting of the Radical Black Women's group who are discussing 'What it means to be Black' and talking of their experiences of oppression. So I stand there with badly applied marmite dripping off my face saying "But I'm Black too...you're just being transcolour phobic if you don't let in and acknowledge I am really black"
What would happen? Really?
Point made.
So...have I offended enough people?
Have I shown enough ignorance of both issues?
If I have I am not sorry.
If I'm going to be in a 'women only' space (and Goddess knows there are few enough of these) then I want it to be just that. I don't want there to be men in dresses.
If I go to a space that is for 'Women and persons who identify as being women' then that is something different and I would gladly love to talk to those people there who are not women-born women and learn from them.
Sorry Maia!

Hmmmm.....

2008-03-19T21:38:00.003Z

When you loose someone through loss, be it a relationship break up or the end of a friendship or a death, you don't just loose the person but you also loose the future you thought you were going to have with them around.
We all know the devastation of marriage/relationship end where you thought you were going to live with them forever, have children or that they were going to stick around and be in your children's life but there are other losses that have the same impact on your future planning and therefore your future loss.
The loss of a future.
This is a new concept to me and one I am embracing.
I am so horribly negative about the future. I don't like thinking that anything positive will happen. I don't like thinking that I can trust people. I don't even like thinking about when the children are older in case they both die.
I am often told to be more optimistic but I find it very hard.
Now I know why...it seemed so simple and obvious that I am surprised at myself.
I've lost my future so many times that I really can't build one in my head anymore.
So I need to get over that.
Not sure how.
Hmmmm......

Bit happier now

2008-03-18T22:44:00.002Z

Yeah it's ok.
This blog has increasingly become a place for me to be a bit mad and moan in.
Sorry.
I've had some chocolate now; I feel better.

Down down dobbie do down

2008-03-17T22:34:00.002Z

I did a very silly thing a few weeks ago.
I gave up chocolate.
Very very silly.
Now I'm gorging myself on chocy biscuits (home made...does that matter?) and feeling like a pig.
I didn't mean to do it...I'd just watched too much 'you are what you eat' interspersed with 'America's next top model' and the programing got under my usually pretty good radar.
So I feel horrible and fat and bingey and crap and want to crawl into a hole and starve myself until I'm thin.
I hate that feeling; it's the feeling of my whole childhood and teenage-hood and it sends me straight back into a terrible place full of self-hatred. I only gave up chocolate to support the new 'NO SWEETIES' regime in our house. Solomon's teeth are looking a little dodgey. Yes, I am the world's crappiest mum. He ate too many sweets and didn't clean them enough, now his teeth are rotting - My Fault.
My fault.
My fault.....
my fault....
my fault....
my fault....
my fault....

~** Erika continues to beat breasts and rent hair in a pathetic attempt to inflict the physical appearance of her internal angst**~

A letter to feed the hungry emotion

2008-03-14T14:55:00.003Z

Dear E.
It's been 10 years now since we 'fell out'. I hate to use those words. What I would really like to say is that you broke my heart in ways no lover ever has.
Ten years and not a day has gone by without remembering something about you. Our friendship was so deep and so close; claustrophobic I guess. That's the reason it ended like it did.
You were so beautiful and wise but vulnerable and honest; how could I not look up to you and be honnered that you were my friend. My close, dear friend. We did that silly thing - ending each other's sentences, looking at each other and laughing at a privet joke. Silly girl friends but serious deep understanding friends as well. We talked about everything, we could sit in silence, we understood that we were both a bit mad and let each other ask for help. We both used to phone at midnight for reassurance. I would walk in the pitch darkness up the country lane to your house to keep you company the nights when P was away and although it was scary and dark and dangerous, I didn't mind because you needed me and I wanted to be there for you...always.
I think in a way I was a bit in love with you but it was better than love. I thought we would be friends when we were old and grown up.
We were 24 but not grown up, not like I am now.
I was single, sleeping my way around the city, you had P...he was your great love. He looked after you and protected you, took you to the hospital when you were having a panic attack and thought you were going to die. You told me all you intimate secrets. He tolerated me.
I can't pinpoint where our friendship stared to die. Maybe it was when I met some young friends and started to take more and stronger drugs with them. Maybe it was our friend left her partner. We took sides, unfortunately you took his and I took hers. But I think it was the day that you held my hand, crying, asking me to either be her friend or yours because it was all too much for you to deal with...
Do you remember that? Do you know how that made me feel? Or is your memory of me someone who took too many drugs at inappropriate moments?Snorting an E at a dinner party you held, smoking too much dope, consuming drugs just because they were there? I upset you and then after a while, disgusted you.
You started to disapprove of my lifestyle; I don't blame you. I had started to spiral into a depressing place of self-harm and self-destruction.
I'm not sure what happened next, I really can't remember how we can to argue on my birthday. You said you didn't want to work in the shop anymore, I said I was going to sack you anyway...it was all very horrible and I can't remember what we said to each other. P came into the shop and had a massive go at me, saying all the things I know he wanted to say to me for a long time; how I was useless and weak, how I reallied on you, how they always supported me. I guess he didn't know about the times I did that back for you because you only needed me when he wasn't there. After everything he said I said calmly "I'm not prepared to discuss this with you". I really didn't want to talk to him. He left.
E...I can't tell you how much my heart hurt those first months after our friendship ended. I missed you so much. I had experienced the worse break ups with a partner but nobody had told me it would hurt 10 times more when a friend did it to you. I dyed my hair black. I followed the spiral down as far as it could go. I hated you SO MUCH. I wanted to blame you for it all but what I knew was that it was more to do with my bitterness and jealousy. I was jealous of you, you seemed to have it all and yet wilted like a flower at thought of being alone in your country cottage for a few hours. You were so beautiful and P was so caring and loving. I was ugly, fat and had nothing. I lived in a squalid council flat in a high rise, lonely, so lonely, with a heart broken by a madman. I was jealous of P because really I wanted to be the one who was all that he was to you. I was angry at you because someone told me that you had had a party I was not invited to and had said I wasn't really the kind of person you wanted to met those posh friends of yours. I was angry because you needed me so desperately sometimes when P wasn't there but would take my very flawed character to pieces with him, dissect me whilst you sat in bed smoking your bed time joint.
Without you life was hard and more lonely than before.
I'm still angry.
You taught me never to trust a friend, you taught me that I must never rely on another human to help me through the dark nights, I will NEVER TRUST AGAIN.
People laugh at me when I say this and say, stupidly "You trust me though don't you?"
"No? Trust you with what? My heart? My secrets? No." And they are upset or insulted.
There have been some very wonderful moments in my life when suddenly you came into my thoughts.
On the first morning of the new millennium I stood on the top of Glastonbury Tor and watched to sun rise. It was euphoric, beautiful, magnificent. The mist descended and plunged us into faerieland, just like in 'The Mists of Avalon'. You loved that book, you gave it to me when we were at school together to read. We loved to talk about books. I wish you had been there on the Tor with me that morning. I thought of you and your face was so clear to me that I wondered if you were thinking of me.
I wonder that now. Do you think of me with kindness or with disdain? I have children now, I know you know that. I wonder if you and P looked at each other when you found out and tutted "Poor kids" but I don't do drugs any more and I don't live like I used to when you knew me.
When I heard you were a teacher I wondered where you found the courage to become so normal or are you just passing, like me, wondering how long it will be before someone calls your bluff?
I often put your name into a search engine hoping that I will find some cyber trace of you.
Well, I am sorry for everything that happened, I am sorry as hell. I wish we could bump into each other one day...what would happen I wonder. I have dreams where I am hugging you and crying with relief because you are back in my life.
Sometimes I feel as if I had cast a spell to keep you out of my life and I can't remember how to reverse it. I haven't seen you for 10 years.
I miss you
I'm so sorry.
love
erika
xxxx

Cynical...Moi?

2008-03-12T15:10:00.004Z

Well, yes I am and anybody who knows me will agree...or perhaps they don't care enough to even think about it, or perhaps nobody's reading this and I'm just bawling into the blogospere...meh!
I'd like to think that my cynicism is a fault in my personality; some gaping trust issues dying to be resolved. It's probably to do with my Father leaving when I was 4, betrayal by lovers and friends, being judged all my life for my body, food and my inability to not consume lots of it.
I'd really like to talk about all these issues and dissect them into a thousand tiny pieces making sense of each moment that led me here. Perhaps by doing this I can put to bed all that hating nagging fear and anger that I carry around in my soul every day. Perhaps I can call to light a new Erika; one who can face the dawn with optimism in her heart and love for humanity....
BUT I CAN'T.
I just can't.
They're all bastards. They left me, betrayed me, fucked me and then broke my heart. I can NEVER trust again.
Fuck them. Fuck them right in the ear.
I expect every day to be the day the fire catches and burns all this away. I wake up in my bed surprised I am still alive, that my children are still here and Rob still loves me (does he?? Perhaps not? How could I tell? Shit, I'm taking to much for granted) I go to bed breathing a sigh of relief that some one has not died that day (don't bet on it, the calls about deaths always come late...late in the night, just when you think you are safe).
The next phone call might be the one telling me that someone has died. Why not? It happened before, many times.
"I think you better sit down" "I've got something to tell you" "Listen, this is important"
So sorry that I don't believe in happy endings and blue skies. I'm sorry that I don't trust ANYBODY. I'm sorry that I'm sooooo cynical.
Well, actually I'm not.
Because I'm right.

International women's day

2008-03-10T10:15:00.003Z

International women's day this year was celebrated in our area by giving women make overs and colour charts. Great...that will help solve all the problems and issues that face women globally.
"Between 65,000 and 70,000 women die as a result of illegal abortions every year"
"really...I'm an 'Autumn'...I look great in browns and golds...apparently"