Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Argh! what the f**K!!!!!

so...shit.....since my last post I have left my job and my partner has left me.
I have no idea how to deal with either of these things.
I am a ball of pain and emotions, I am confused and upset, I am nothing more than hormones and feelings.
Nothing is going on here that 7 billion people are experencing right now. How the hell do you do people? I know you all have had your hearts broken but how the hell did you get through it?

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Growing up

The thing about being young, being a teenager, is that you can be nihilistic without a thought of the consequences. I mean, you could kill yourself and then what would happen? Your parents might miss you but so what, they deserve to be sad after all the shit they have put you through, right? Friends? yeah they might miss you but they drove you to suicide after all didn't they? Being a suicidal teenager is easy! You flounce off, down some pills, get your stomach pumped and every body sees how truly sad you are.
Being a suicidal nearly 40 year old with kids is different. The conciseness of the action are far reaching. What would happen to the children? To their children? To their fragile blossoming personalities? There are moments when You can flounce about thinking "They'd be better off without me" but you know that isn't true. You have seen people who were abused terribly by their mothers still express love for them. You know they cannot grow without your presence, even if you are a lazy, stupid mother who doesn't comfort them enough, doesn't love them as much as they deserve to be loved.
I think of the part in the film 'trainspotting' where he overdoses and sinks into the carpet. I want to  do that, just sink below the surface of my life, just become a watching object, to be silent and unknown.
I hid in the wardrobe the other day and watched while my family searched for me. I wanted them to stop, to get on with their lives but the didn't and so I said "here I am"

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

This is no longer a craft blog

I'm separating the two things in my life. I have another blog that I am going to start selling yarn and things from and I have no wish for people to view me as the fuck up that I appear to be from this blog.
But I am not going to leave you, gentle reader, oh no! I am going to continue to moan and rally my inner troops against the horror of existence here.
I need to write, I need to expunge my crawling crying rubbish from my mind somewhere and this it to be it's last resting place.
So if you like my yarn and want cool patterns for crochet stuff go here : Squash Blossom Fibres
If you want to read my nonsense then carry on as you were.
So how am I? shit. really shit.
Where i live is claustrophobic, too much rubbish and gossip. We've had the police down our road for the second night running (next door, not us!!). There are people that I don't get to see enough and people I see too much of. There are politics, lies, secrets, back stabbing and it all comes to my door, I do not feel that I seek it out.
But most of all there are drugs. Drugs are everywhere here. People walk down the street with a joint in their hands, dealers are in every second house and they don't even hide their activities. Lots of people take them and it turns people into IDIOTS! total dicks. I really would like to live in a quiet place with none of this going on around me. It has got worse here in the last few years.
I'm struggling, I really am.
Did I tell you I will be 40 in a few weeks? yes really!!! I feel very weird and not at all like I thought I would. I am having a bit of a mid life crisis. I'm hoping things here will calm down once we get some cold weather and people can't stand around in the street. I'm hoping for a really cold winter. I think early nights with co-co and crochet is just what will make me feel better.
I just have to get through this birthday and I should be ok.
let's see shall we?

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Ode to fags

Not only have I slipped off the very obvious wagon with drugs but I have unknowingly got myself hooked back on the evil weed - tobacco. It started as 'just a quick drag' on a spliff and ended up with me sneaking off to have a fag in the garden.
This is really a lot worse than the other addictions for several reasons. I really suffered giving up tobacco 10 years ago and it took me 2 years to not feel like every day was a struggle not to smoke. I also have asthma, my lungs are very week and damaged but unfortunately smoking numbs them and gives then false sensation of feeling better. Cocaine being snorted into them also makes me feel as if I have the best lungs in the world because of the famous anesthetic qualities of the drug. ALSO my eldest son would be devastated if he saw me smoking so I really have been sneaking about.
It's all a bit rubbish and yesterday was then first day when I didn't have a sneaky joint and I FELT GREAT!
OH yeah.....cannabis makes you paraniod and depressed and lethargic and vaugly unhappy with everything around you.....duh!!!!
So today I am recognising that I have got to risist the temptation to have a quick drag on ANYTHING!
What is so startling is that it crept up on me. 
Ok, I'm an old dog learning all the old tricks again and again....

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Yarn Saves

I'm starting to feel a little better today. I have resisted two offers of drug today and I haven't even been out of my house! It's a rubbish achievement looking at that. "I didn't take drugs...well done me!" It would be a bit easier if they were not, literally, under my nose all the time.
I'm having an early night. I'm telling myself that tomorrow I will feel better, and I will.
I turned my thoughts away from all this nonsense and spin a beautiful rainbow with 7 colours. It's going to be sock yarn.
Yarn saves and heals.
I miss my yarn friend who I haven't seen for 3 days. I'm not a pretty sight at the moment.   

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Confessions and pain

so what I want to do is explain the last post as it has been playing on my kind today. It's very passive aggressive to write a blog post about self harm. If my blog was well-read by many people then it might be the kind of thing people want to read...anonymous voices supporting each other in the faceless ether. But this is a place where people who know me come. What will you think, dear reader? That I am terribly self centered? Well, that, at least is true. That I am trying to woo your sympathy and guilt? Maybe?
My confession is that I have too many secrets and lies piling up inside of me and they are leaching through my presence here, in the internet.
I am a drug user and I have been fighting against addiction for years and years....almost a decade....and suddenly they are back in my life again. Back in my veins, back in my brain.
Drugs make you selfish, they make you a dick, they make you poor and desperate and grumpy and confused and really not a very good friend to be around. I lost good friends in years gone by and I am damned if I am going to loose any more. So here I am, dealing with my horribly fucked up friends who use and my concerned friends who don't. I feel like I walk a line that wavers from one side to another.
My feeling of self harm come from the same place that makes me dip my head and take another line. I want to hurt myself until there is no more words in my head. But nothing will do this but time and clean living.
So here I am with my veins crawling, wanting, wanting and trying to wait out the crap in my system. Monday I should start feeling better but for now, just let me call into your void, let me be a spoken thing here.
If you know me in real life, I am sorry for this. I don't want to talk about it, I'll be ok. I promise.

Friday, August 09, 2013

shouting so quietly no one can hear.

i want to self harm. I wanna do it so bad it's the only thing i can think of. I'm telling you because I have no voice here in the real world. My claustrophobic world is collapsing inwards. The words drift through me and, cartoon-like, float in front of my unfocussed eyes before leaving through the other side of my skull.
I think i can make it to the other side of this if only they'll let me.
I'm feeding all the needy daemons, all the fear-filled bellies and heart-sore souls. But i am only one woman and I can only do this for so long.
I wish for silence.....a moment of peace.....and a good sharp blade.